April 29, 2009 @ 22:44

I feel weighted. dont feel like last year anymore. despite closer bonds and all I feel further away. your words cut me more than I thought it should. what more?

worried about more than one yous.

@ 21:39

April 28, 2009 @ 22:02

maybe, through that period of time, I am learning to treasure the people by my side. my friends, those who really make me laugh even when I am frowning at them.

more guarded, more careful. but even then, I'm learning when to trust, when to love, and most importantly for me, how to.

@ 17:18

it rained during english today. and when I heard the rain. smell the rain, I remembered.
it was hard not to.


equal playing fields? no, the floor is too heavily tilted towards you.
hard to achieve, and no one wants it.

everyone fears change, including myself. but sometimes, will change be good?

April 27, 2009 @ 20:33

a war, head against heart.

it's like a river, the surface smooth, without ripples.
beneath, the sharks swim.

sometimes I really want to wonder aloud, do you think I am deaf, blind or plain dumb?


happier things: archana is a damn unglam person. I bet she'll be the first unglam guides senior. I should videotape her on a daily basis and give it to her juniors just before farewell so that they can have a good laugh. she calls me an owl, gosh!

and bear is the most amusing person. (: lemon scented blue berry (: take care of blueberry dont lose it like you did pinko! and it is always nice to rant to her, coz she always makes me feel calmer, in a second (:

and gautami is an emo pervert who likes to study alone in the middle of nowhere with insects biting her and refuses to join me inside the classroom where me and mirna are happily blasting music while doing our respective homeworks.

and many many thanks to shalom and tsuyi, for putting up with my endless questions on chem today (: haha, thank you! gosh and priya, for attempting to explain that chem question to me you know you really arent that bad a tutor, I understood what you were getting at, or, almost. (:

people like this, things like that, that makes me smile. (:

April 26, 2009 @ 17:30

only when something is gone then does it occur to you that you should have treasured it.

when you told me that you were sorry today, I thought I would be happy. I thought that was what I was waiting for, your apology. that everything would go back to being as it was. that everything would resume. I thought I would be able to just hug you tightly and erase all the hurt. but it isnt so. I forgive you, but I cannot truly erase all the hurt, cannot look you in the eyes and promise you that everything will go back to as it was.

I thought it could, I really did. but maybe, this is once too many times, that my heart is weary and my logic too hard to convince myself.

maybe.

but it no longer matters. does it? I cant tell you I love you anymore, coz I dont mean it. I still miss you, the old you. or, the us in the past. but for now..

we'll just keep it at status quo.

and I dont feel sad, anguished. I just feel neutral, resigned even.

hear my breathe catch once more.

@ 15:53

I couldnt help but start laughing when I saw your sms. haha did I ever tell you that I love to hear you laugh? coz it sounds so happy and so carefree. oh that sounds really wrong, but you know what I am trying to say and I know that I am straight as a rod. heh!

and maybe, that's all that we need to sustain ourselves :)

April 25, 2009 @ 23:29

this shall be a happy post, coz it's the weekends, and I've had a debate filled two days. and that puts me in a good mood, usually (:

I'm proud of my juniors (: for putting time aside today and yesterday night to watch altogether 3 rounds of debates at high levels. I hope you guys learnt something, coz I learnt alot.

and they are damn high and gay people and do all kinds of nonsense and say all kind of nonsense that I couldnt help but laugh at. (: and thank you for eating with me coz I said I was hungry, and making me laugh throughout the afternoon (:

haha I was feeling high till I went blog surfing. I should really keep my itchy fingers away from blogspheres

@ 12:44

totally annoyed. put off. and pissed. it just destroyed what little trust I had managed to build up regarding you.


grrr. I need to calm down. coz there are juniors and debate later.

mirna's making me laugh online. haha :)

@ 09:50

this doesnt make sense to me. I swear even yesterday's debate on civil disobedience which baffled me till second prop made more sense than you do.

should it make sense? no it doesnt. if it doesnt, then why are you still so admanant about it?

hear my furstration, and just, leave me alone.

April 24, 2009 @ 16:04

hey drama, dont cry alrdy k? y'know, the debaters stood outside the AS1 door for so long, and we didnt dare to go in? I saw you guys crying, and I wanted to hug all of you, and return to that state of anticipation, that we might have gotten gold. you guys are gold to all of us. coz we really meant what we said after we watched you guys perform during SYF.

sharianty, my dear tablepartner, I'm proud of you. for being strong enough to stop crying so soon, even though you are the one who can cry the easiest, fee. you were a great bimbo. I've heard you panicked more than once, and through it all, it was a great job done.

esther, I'm proud of you. for holding back the tears and being so strong till we reached the canteen. for running down with me together in a sprint, and laughing at the thrill even though I knew that you were sad. but dont hold it all in, my dear vice prez, coz even the strongest leaders have their weak moments. we'll hold you tight till you stop crying, and we'll just continue to nurture the next batch of drama girls.

nanthini, dont hold it in. it's ok to cry infront of us, I know you ran off to a corner to cry. it was ok. crying infront of us is ok, it really is. I love you, physics tablepartner and my spoilt youngest daughter. you know how to get me if you need me.

sharizah, I havent ever seen you cried. and you shocked me when you did. it's ok, I forgive you for wetting my shirt, but your laughter was sweet to my ears when you laughed at the lame comments we made. and haha I had change of clothes, I was just scolding you to make you feel better! :) well done, in your role as the terrible mother in law and tortured daughter in law. it was really really good, and yes, stop crying. good job, truly.

vanessa, yes it is not fair, but it's ok. we see the effort, isnt that what is the most important thing? we see the effort, and we know that you guys have given your bset, given your all. it's ok, just let it out, you'll feel better. it's ok. it's ok. I hate this sentence, especially when I know that things are not ok. but I am saying this now, to you, coz I really believe that things are ok. we know that you guys have done your best, given your all. and that's what really matters.

cedar drama, you've done well. it's truly the process that matters, not the results.
we, all the debaters, are proud of, all of you. the brightest stars :) cedar eldds, born to dominate the stage.

April 23, 2009 @ 23:24

you guys have become a source of laughter for me. but right now, at this point of time, I'm scared, scared to give away my heart, my all. scared things will become as it is, now. scared of losing, scared of loving, scared of the pain that might follow.

tomorrow, I'll face up to my duty. as captain. but a part of me cringes, a part of me fears, and a part of me is irate. and how am I to find a middle ground?

tomorrow is going to be a long day, for more reasons than one. and a part of me, wishes that it isnt so.

I'm worried for you guys. and even as I know you guys must be tired, from all the intense trainings, even as my heart aches for you guys, I am the one who will push you guys the hardest, come down on you guys the hardest. and I'll worry, even as I'll scold. even as I'll come down harsh. but the worry, it's still there. and I wonder, if feeling that, makes me less of what I should be?

@ 21:55

feeling cranky. like an old woman who shakes her walking stick at little kids having fun.

went out to eat with zh, archana, aliah, min, mirna, charmaine and soakteng.
and dont worry aliah, your wallet will turn up in school :)

grats to tabletennis and track! :)

April 22, 2009 @ 19:51

haha, this shall be a quick one before I hop in the shower.

haha, :D thank you for today. like really really I really appreciate you taking the time to come over and teach me, even though I could tell that you were tired and you just had a gruelling maths paper that seems to not be as bad as everyone thought it would be :) haha but why were your hands shaking in the start? heh :) but yes, I could understand everything that you were saying, and that in itself is a kind of miracle to me. so yesh, thank you so so so so so much. and haha, the byebye, my byebyes are always high! nothing personal yea! :)


anyway, really, thank you! :D

April 21, 2009 @ 21:48

first off, I love bear. :) she made my day today, gave me my letter which consisted of quite a few pages, with the last page being my favourite :) I'll hold you up to it, mhm? :) then she wrote me a post it and drew me another picture, that made me smile, and ease the feelings inside me. you giving my countless hugs, and getting me to call you. :)



second off, el exco annouced today :) I'm sure we'll do it. as the fabulous sec3level of 2009. together. together as a level, as a family of ai.



but there's still the hint of doubt, of myself.

April 20, 2009 @ 22:01

gosh, annoying. dont make something out of nothing, or at least go turn arrows on gossip worthy subjects.

have you nothing better to do? am I to go around the school daoing everyone not from my level?

sheesh!

@ 21:31

April 19, 2009 @ 18:59

me and deb were talking online, and somehow our conversation veered towards the much feared by all instructors current topic: the sacking of instructors from the OAL board.

and at the same time: I was watching inspirational videos online, in prep for next week's worship.

and I realised, that even if, even if I was asked to leave the board. I'll be greatful. I've gotten to known many wonderful people inside this board, both in the form of instructors and leaders. I've grown to know a great many more wonderful friends that have been there for me throughout the past month when everything was down in the dumps for me. I've gone through the great journey of 2009 OAC with this bunch of fantastic people, and all these, so much more than I ever wanted, ever expected, when I was a camper.

for this opportunity, I am greatful. I will still be sad, if I was asked to leave the board. but I'll be thankful.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBZOMmQKTEM

when will annoucements come? I wonder.

oh, randomly, so I'll remember when I re-read my own archives in the future: me and little bear spent 7 hours on and off on the phone yesterday. thank god for someone like her in my life.

April 18, 2009 @ 18:05

April 17, 2009 @ 22:48

@ 00:05

when everything is gone and done, I dont think I'll look back and remiscise.

time for dreams long over, reality check.

April 15, 2009 @ 23:18

during interview as a camper; they asked me to prioritise. studies, cca and the board.

didnt have to think, it was cca, studies and the board.

but during that period, when everything really clashed, and clashed hard, it sort of became cca, board, studies.

studies suffered. it took a hard knock. I couldnt concentrate in class, I didnt do alot of homework. when the results came back, people around me cried. and I thought, mine is worst. I held it in, until someone gave me a hug.


appraisal today; same question. with studies omitted.

I thought for a long time. even after I gave them my answer. I still thought about it. am still thinking about it.

because, I dont know if I truly love my cca, with that kind of single hearted, total commitment anymore. dont mistake me, I still love debating, I really love my level. but it's hard to clearly and strongly give an answer.

yesterday's appraisal, it cast doubt.

and with the seniors leaving, on both sides, what next?

times like this, I miss sec2. and even then, they're changing, too. and they frighten me, 'coz I dont know, if I know them anymore.

@ 20:43

the past few days, emotionally draining, but I'm thankful for the EL sec3s, even though I bet the whole world thinks we are gay and has no serious thoughts in our heads, when we actually do need to do something, heh, we're all different people. I swear, we all have split personalities, quite cool, when you think about it :)

went through el appraisal and campaign speeches. and I used my heart to speak. I didnt want to draft it, and sec3s? what we had, there, really was us. and guys, sorry. and thank you. and I love you guys :)

today, instructor-leader "talk".

talk about scary, weird and those people walking behind them giving me funny faces and waving and doing weird stuff to me until you realise I cant respond due to company, sheesh! I realised I have no idea how to react in an appraisal, hmm.

I am just blogging for the sake of typing blindly.

enrica told me today, that she doesnt know us anymore. I could only smile.
the words, they do sting.

April 13, 2009 @ 20:56

@ 00:05

I like..
to watch people. strangers, people I know, people that catch my eye.

to listen to the rain falling, walk in the rain and get soaked.

to look at the sea. see them break on the shore line, hear them crash against breakwaters.

to look at the sky, be it blue or grey.

to sit in a library and take in the peacefulness, surrounded by books.

to laugh, and find amusement in little things.

to lie down on the bed at the end of a long day, and think through it.

to pen my thoughts down, my innermost reflections, and think through stuff.

to look at someone smile, a true, slow smile.

to talk to ___, sitting cross legged on the bench while looking at the sea.


but recently,

I pluck on mp4s whenever I am alone, to block out the world and its noise.

my mind is too cluttered to appreciate the simple beauty of my walk home from the interchange through the park.

I'm too often lost in my own thoughts to notice someone who needs help.

I've stopped looking around me, to see the simple beauty of nature.

when I ask someone, hey are you ok? I rarely do something about it when they say no.

when I look at something, I dont find things as amusing as I once did.

and I no longer go to you with all my burdens and immediately feel better when you laugh.


...and I wonder, am I losing the joy of living while I live?

April 12, 2009 @ 22:57

mirna- says:
yes instructor geraldine.
mirna- says:
thank you instructor geraldine
mirna- says:
goodnight instructor geraldine.
mirna- says:
ILY instructor geraldine


haha, mirna I love you too! :)

today was a damn tortorous day. kept getting tortured, I fail alicia for her protecting me skills.
but it was fun, heh! :) the whole day was just laughter filled :)

haha, must remind me not to cry tomorrow k! :)

shall continue doing meaningful stuff for people that have touched my heart these few days :)

@ 00:06

geraldine is happy today. maybe I've finally learnt how to let go of people. maybe it's more. but it is heartwarming, for people to come up to me online, sms me, or call me, just to ask if I am ok :)

even if I am not, you guys make me :) people dont realise how little things like that can make a person cheer up. but for me, it really makes the world of a difference. maybe you dont feel it, maybe it is nothing more than opening a msn window and asking, but it really makes a lot of difference.

I was reading my own archives, and I came across a post that I posted. zee, the one about pooping hamsters and the origin of "rodent" I forgot how it came about! haha I know cat eater came from ____'s story that I told you, and how you wanted to cheer me up so you told me you'd eat her up! haha I miss you zee. I really really do :)

it's when the past catches up with you, that you feel warmth enter your heart, and you miss the past so much, the past memories and yourself.

& I am looking forward to monday, and I promise whatever you give me, I'll give it the place of honour, even if it is totally not my thing (which I suspect because of your note!)

haha and zhihui.

I find it simply amazing how people as different as you and me can really click? we just seem to trust each other implicitly, even from echo's first meeting? haha I remember our first conversation, and I find it quite amazing, that all four of us have become instructors. haha, really quite, cool. 1 hour phone conversation, you know I normally dont talk to people on the phone! and you stop making your mom angry with you! haha I am sorry I couldnt stop laughing it is really damn amusing the way you say it! "talk talk talk talk about 3 hours plus" only you can pull it off! and you and _____, hmm, careful ah. people are watching. :)

haha our beach outing soon! just the two of us! :) and tomorrow! :)

it's people like them that keeps me going.

my mom popped her head into the room when I was talking to zh on the phone and commented, I havent heard you laugh like that for quite some time.

and I realised, I havent really felt so free talking to someone for a long time.

it's startling, to see myself change with time. and it's been less than a year.

April 11, 2009 @ 20:37

@ 14:05