May 31, 2009 @ 23:41

at the next SF comm meeting, I am going to push for dodgeball to be the next outdoor activity for SF. then my team can win championships.

not too bad lah, all in the spirit of the game. but I am hurting all over, from head to toe. I swear there's a conspiracy to murder me, thanks ah people!

but well done to outdoor ICs! :)

May 30, 2009 @ 22:18

this is all I can take.

because you will never see it on my face.

dont ask me why I am so cold. you should know why.

the promise still holds, I will not shed a tear. not a single drop.

hear the silence that deafens.

@ 15:23

May 29, 2009 @ 23:58

Potong pasir, Macs, Spiderweb and KFC, I think they've become an intergral part of cedarians's lives. I am glad we went today, coz now I have one more memory to add on. - from the day me and zh were talking. cloudy skies.

you asked: who would I bring with me if I were to start a new life on a deserted island.

- you, mirna.

@ 23:50

May 28, 2009 @ 20:44

first day of MYEs.._ _ _ _ _ _ _.

cheerup, macs humans :)

bear elephant and mirna, let's go far far away and just let our minds run.

back to physics

May 27, 2009 @ 20:33

ohman ohman ohman! grr grr grrrrrr!
ok, shut up geraldine.

firstly, half of 3S fell ill today. some teacher, cant remember which one, cracked a joke about epidemic, uh-oh. and some smart pants had had Had to tell a teacher that they ponned school. keep your mouth shut if there is nothing better to say k?

secondly morning reflections... ... ... ah.

thirdly, study date :) where I got repeatedly suan. and I want a pacifier ): I think it is fun and cute! oops. heh! and I've mastered moles with sherilyn, since we high-fived each other so many times when we could do the questions in her assessment book! -smiley face!- and miss poon came out and saw me and sherilyn looking stressed and tired, and she got us to play ball for 5mins and it really worked! :) times like this I really love miss poon :)

forthly, smack me, I shouldnt be on the internet sphere, at all.

@ 20:27

there and then I just wanted to dig a hole and hide my head inside.

gosh.

@ 00:06

take me, away.

May 26, 2009 @ 19:36

because I promised to laugh at this:

the epitome of unglamness, namely archana, was lecturing me on being unglam in the middle of the busstop waiting for 81. god, haha. I really ought to record her bimbotic unglam moments on video soon! ello elephant, cheer up k! owl's here if you need me (:

and bear, mhm. dont say you dont care when you do, because when you tell someone, 'I dont care', it's the planting of the first seed of doubt yeah? and I told you before, special bonds dont break, and special bonds cant be seen. you and her, things will iron out. dont harp on it, and I dont want to see anymore tears because of it. ok? -big bear hug-

shar had a mini meltdown in class today, when the last straw broke. she whined for 20mins at least, but hmm, she deserves to be allowed to whine. tablepartner, hold on tight ok! mine last straw hasnt broken, so I am not melting down yet. yet being the operative word. anyway tablepartner, hold on tight ok!

interviewing with JP, mich, sya and esther was really fun, and as sya said, it's quite, hmm how they say with so much confidence that they will be able to juggle everything. but they'll soon learn, that juggling acts dont always work, that one ball will lose itself in the process. but that form of innocence, they should keep it while they can. and it's pretty amazing how every batch has someone that reflects the previous batch. I didnt notice until esther pointed out, and then everybody noticed. quite cool to see myself and mich in the juniors, myself especially..but their journey together will be an uphill struggle, as ours was, or even worst. hopefully they will emerge, like us, stronger, better, and more bonded than ever (:

bus stop. was, grr, hahaha. I didnt know debo! sorry! Really! but still, I dont bite, grrr. and I said hi! I didnt dao! ); tsk! walk 20 000 miles away, grr. so awkward. sheesh!

ok, enough amusement for one day, back to work.

May 25, 2009 @ 23:36

you narrowed down the field for me, considerably.

but because I wont get you to trouble, I wont try to guess. though names are playing in my head, even now.

@ 20:30

thank god for friends who chases away spurts of moodiness and overcast skies with laughter and nonsense.

sharianty, for the whole day today. we were actually behaving like tablepartners :)
zhihui archana mirna charmaine deborah, for after school, mugging or the attempt to inbetween laughing and nonsense. :)
the mother of kinder and beuno, for patience with dead mind :)


oh, I got a F9 for stalking people from mirna and archana );
and I give debo an F9, she's worst than me?

but nah it's ok, cool people like me dont need to learn weird skills like that :) heh!

but debo isnt cool enough, so she must try harder, aw.

ok, mug.

May 24, 2009 @ 17:22

-deleted-

for goodness sake, act, carry yourself like the leader you say you are.

you disgust me.

@ 16:11

because if there was a start to something, then it must end. what baffles and saddens me, is how you choose to end it this way. you know the way I deal with emotions, and I know you saw much more than what the others saw today.

I saw recognition flicker in your eyes, once twice, then you turned it off.

it was a mistake, right from the start.


a part of me wants this week to whisk by, so I can say it's the holidays and allow myself to loosen up. but exams are drawing nearer. so much for hiatus-es. not as if they work.

May 23, 2009 @ 11:23

it's scary, how every line tells a story, how every word used can express something. blog surffing, random clicking, updates on lives not touched for so long. and it's scary, to read about the moroseness, the down, the sad, the angsty, the lonely.


and the scariest thing is to know that I have joined them, in the way I think, the way I feel, the way I see.

even as my hands fly across the keyboard as I am typing this, and backspacing when backspace is required, it still scares me, this knowledge, this realization.

mhm..

is this, growing up?

@ 11:03

because I am so bored with homework.

May 22, 2009 @ 21:26

I'll look you in the eye if and when I want to tell you. dont press me, I wont say anything until I am ready to say it, and I deem that you are ready to hear it.

and I missed you, when I walked by the shoreline yesterday. alone, I traced into the sand. turned around, and saw zh and archana. and a part of me laughed when I saw what nonsense they were up to again.

but another part wished that it was you who was there when I turned my head.

somehow. it's been a year, almost. but memories are long lasting creatures. they'll hide in my head, and come out when my defences are lowest.

and I'll close my eyes and move on.

@ 12:51

the years taught what could not be learnt in days.

friend, I hope you are ok. I've never blamed you for what happened. it was a small matter, let go of it :)

@ 12:15

it's 12.15pm and I'm online, and I'm not in the school computer lab.

I leave you to draw your own inferences. but it's nice, I assure you. :)

May 21, 2009 @ 21:06

cross country was, hmm, haha, hot. very very hot. I have two bright spots on my cheek now, since I refuse to use sunblock.

what's the point of putting sunblock if I break out in rash instead?

bright red spots vs rashes, I pick the spots.

well done sec2s, for your first emcee. :) relax more dont panic so much! small matters, relax! and the missing walkietalkie. sheesh, so much for panics.

quite fun to not run and just watch people come in and cheer them on. people look unglam when they run, I realised.

went to ecp with zh arch and mirna after the whole thing ended, by courtesy of a bus taken in the wrong direction ( original direction was towards pasir ris beach). quite cool, I think we are simply terrific.

"geraldine! are we going towards the wrong direction!"
"dont know, I am looking also."

2 bus stops later.

"geraldine!! we are going towards parkway!"
"uhhuh I just saw that sign."
"how!"
"go eastcoast instead."
"OK."


and through all these, zh was sleeping rather peacefully. haha.

spent time at the shore, taking pictures, talking, walking by the shoreline, picking up seashells.
now I have really pretty seashells with nice gradients of colors and texture. but no one I dare give to.

I'm tired. sleepy. aching all over.

I want to pon.

May 20, 2009 @ 22:22

it wasnt what you said, but the way you said it.

because, everytime someone hurts me, I'll keep a little more of myself
be a little more careful, a little less trusting, a little more cautious

because I'll grow a little more cold,
because I'll withdraw myself a little more.

I told you this once, when I sensed the change.
yet, today still came.

I heard, more than what you saw fit to tell me.
lying to protect me, your excuse.
I see, a coward, wanting to protect himself.

why? after all that we were.

you asked me, why I sounded weird.
do you truly not know?

for someone who taught me how to unclench my fist and hold another's hand.
you just clenched my fist, a little tighter.

you taught me, how to love the people around me.
you taught me, so much.

yet you arent living what you preach, you arent what I used to know.

and a voice in my head tells me to discard logic. and another voice chants that it isnt possible, that you arent, what my head tells me you are.

I'll shut that little voice of emotion out.

I lied when I said I wasnt hurt, wasnt sad. because I really am.

@ 21:00

@ 20:45

because disappointment is a strong word. saddness and anger I can deal with, but when you tell me you are disappointed, I wont know how to react, what to do.

I really hope it's just you and not everyone. because, then I wont know, what to do, either.

today was really gay, right from the morning. unglammness, to the max. god, me archana and deb probably threw all our faces on the forth level. stealing masking tape, trying to reach the ceiling, stopping in the middle of the corridor to thread red string, stealing tape from a certain's class's class deco. trying to act glam one moment and falling over in laughter the next :) certainly action filled, and energizing :) 3S was a buzz of activities even as early as 6.50 in the morning. instructors one stop meeting place, much.

the aisle between me and TQ filled with enormous paper bags and paper boxes, purposely strewn around to prevent teachers walking past us since we were rushing last minute letters, cutting and pasting.

Mrs Foo: girls why do you need scissors in my class? heh, oops :)

mugging after school, heh. thankyou for choco milk you went down specially to get for me! :)

maths, was really fun. heh, sharianty! :) ignore her, k? you're worthy of that badge, live up to it :) snackbox, heh :)

yesterday was fun! :)

I cannot believe this. even after it is over, I am severly traumatized. I carried a gay pink cushion and walked around PS in my school uni and all the way home. gosh. Pink. Bright Eye catching Pink.

company was great, and it's really fun! :) elephant, teletubby and JR. haha, only we get up to the stuff that we do. one day before the actual thing, I secretly think that we rock, JR :)

productive compact shopping ;) photos should be up, soon :)

@ 00:08

because my shoulders are going to drop off any moment, I shall take a moment to breathe.

today's shopping trip was fun, the company was great. and the camwhoring was quite rampant.

photos should be up, sooooooooon?


back to farewell presents, god, my shoulder and my head.

May 18, 2009 @ 20:28

went pp macs, with bear. did abit of work, bout half done with theoretical physics at this point alrdy.

then we went to spiderwebbed, and sat there. laid down afterawhile, and it felt comforting, to just stare at the top of the web, stare at the overcast skies. to talk, to just listen, to lie down and think.

yes bear, promise is a promise :)

@ 19:17

May 17, 2009 @ 19:18

grr. ONCE, and for all.

I am not attached to any guy.

and I am not a lesbian.

enough said, i think one sentence is enough. do I need to prove to you what I say? who do you think you are?

if you think I am a lesbian, go ahead.you're just insulting your own intelligence.
I dont see a need to explain myself.

dont you dare forget for one moment that I am a debater. wanna take me on home ground? I welcome you.


an urge to start swearing.

@ 17:38

coz I'm happy now, I shall do a short post before I start on another bout of maths. :)

I packed my room, so it's really near now, and everything's like it should be.
no cluttered tabletops, only things I need. cupboards packed, notes neatly filed. :)

exam period mugging, starts today.

May 16, 2009 @ 23:39

signed off from msn at 12.50 last night.
was in bed at 1.

at 1.45 I was literally fighting to breathe,
and it wasnt till 4 till everything settled.

everytime this happens,
I thank god I lived to see the sun rise again.
because until your windpipes fight against you and you need to gasp for every breathe,
you dont truly treasure the breathes that you take.

and I wonder, what if when I am belaying, or holding another person's life in my hands, and this happens, what will happen?

and a whisper of fear will run down my back.

May 15, 2009 @ 22:29

I spent quite awhile today on my own in the classroom after the el gang went home.
it was raining.

I turned off all the lights except the one where I sat under. and I looked at the peace around me.

no sounds. except for the pitterpatter of the rain. except for the flash of lightning, bright against the sky. feel the wind on my skin. smell the rain.

and I had a sudden insanity to run out and lie down on the grass. sudden urge to run in the rain, to feel utterly totally alive.

but no, I stuck to sanity, did maths.

reflection of, life. I guess.

coz life is not a bed of roses, but should it be a bed of pricks?

@ 21:33

coz if I put you out of my mind, can I get a peace of mind.

if you asked me to paint the school day today, it was grey. a sad, dull grey. no laughter, no whining from leena. after school was slightly better. and it was 5.30 plus when I was so happy I started jumping around.

quite cool, when everyone arounds you starts being leaders in their cca. :) and company was great :) I love long busrides home!

gah. haha, and something happened today, and mhm. relieve or sad, you tell me what..

May 14, 2009 @ 22:01

the only people I care of how they view me, is people whom I care about.

and since you guys are not on the list, pretty much, equates to me not really caring.

haha, it hurts. but logic will calm it :)

May 12, 2009 @ 22:46

el farewell today. things went wrong, things screwed. but ultimately I think the seniors got what we wanted them to, that they were truly the best that we'd ever had, and will ever have.

heartwrenching, today. to the debate seniors: thank you for the box, you have no idea how touched I felt when you guys handed it to me, and Joy yes I will take you for your word that you will pass me my very long letter and cool present when you guys officially handover. Jolene, heh you finally wrote me my very long letter, that made me laugh and cry at the same time, you annoyance! chand, haha, did you dedicate if we hold on together on purpose as well as trying to psycho me throughout the entire letter? and Poohja, yes, secondary school does do that to us, doesnt it?

thank you for all the memories, for all the laughter, the panicking before JG's, for letting me go through incoherence with every single one of you, for all the special moments that we had as a team, as debaters.

thank you for being a part of my life, for three years.

sec3s: after all that prep work, things went great. :) love every single one of you, I think working together has brought us closer yet again. the special bond, that holds the 8 of us very different people together.

sec2s and sec1s. well done. :)

and to all the concerned messages asking me if I was ok, for the msn comforts that was sent, thank you :)

because farewell is over, and it's our time to step up, time for us to turn another page in a chapter, even as our heart aches for our seniors.

May 11, 2009 @ 23:44

because today someone said: that pictures are all you have left when things change, and when you move on. when she said that, a sense of bitter sweet welled in me, when I think of how my heart contracted when I was arranging photos from not so long ago. maybe this is called growing up, and maybe we all have to go through it. but that doesnt mean I have to enjoy it.

cedar litup, night.

because you make moving on sound easy, when all I want to do is stop the clock and grab now with both hands and imprison it tightly against me.

@ 23:36

sometimes I wonder, what is the point of waking up the next day.

feels like a juggling trick I am doing, oai, el, debate, tution, school work. and school work is always the baton that gets dropped. not counting all the countless emotions, do you know what flits behind that cool mask you label as dao? do you hear the saddness in the laughter, or is everything to be taken at face level, at surface level?

I wonder, what more is there to go on for, to fight for, to live for. to live, to laugh and to love.

and even as I try to soothe, I find that I need to soothe my own wounds. those invisible slits that have been accumulated, that only hurt when all is over and done.

you go on and on about wanting to give up. and I wonder, if you really mean them, or are those just for spite?

I know your spirit is broken, but I can find no pity for you in me, when I think of how you broke so many others, including mine.

I had fun with el today, all the chick flicks. but it's farewell tomorrow. everything's ready, or pretty much so.

tomorrow, will I cry? because I dont know how to look at you and think of you the same way, because some part of me still disbelieves, and a part of me, hasnt allowed the fact that you guys will no longer be around to sink in.

@ 00:14

the older you grow, the more you see. and the more you see and hear, the more you understand.
the more you understand, the more you sigh. and even as something weighs down on your heart, the more your head wants to shut it out, shut it away, shut it down.

and that's what happens. even as you enter adulthood, you get so numb, you dont feel it anymore.

drained. what happened to golden years?

too much things to say, and no way to express.

tired.

and it's not that I dont want to tell you. it's I dont know where to begin. C's matter, it's still weighing on me.

too much weight.

May 9, 2009 @ 01:00

and I thought back to those days, and a part of my heart aches.

why did things turn out this way, now, so close to the end?

@ 00:43

cedar litup, kinda cool, in a sense. mrs ouyang gave me a quiz when all I was supposed to do was to usher her infront. yes I am a debater, but even I cant crap something out of nothing, especially since I only knew what was going on yesterday.

to those who made the first cedar litup a success, thank you! Mrs Jai, Miss Kerns, Mrs Menon, Mr Sng, Drama!, the sec1s and 2s, 3N, library. :)

but the news on the bus spoilt it, spoilt it all. I am hurt. they were both close. they really were. I couldnt help, couldnt console. I suppressed what I was feeling, but really, it hurts. I'm sorry drama. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I meant those hugs. I hope you felt it, coz I held you guys as close as I could.

and mich, I'm sorry I wronged you and syahirah. I'm sorry.

but I'm proud of drama. coz you guys went up there with a baggage, and yet pulled it all off. you guys are the best, and I've never wavered in what I felt for my cca, since sec1. pride, and love.

and, are these you true colors that I took so long to realise? double blow.

May 7, 2009 @ 21:34

and when it struck me. I thought to myself, who knew you were so scheming?

May 6, 2009 @ 21:30

because I dont know how.

@ 21:03

watched guides farewell today, and thought of el's.

-deleted-

there was photo taking, OAL, EL. and still a part of me felt hollow, despite the many attempts to fill it up with laughter.

studied, or attempted to, with deb, mirna and kellie. wasnt successful , we only started at 4.45 plus? gosh.

talked to tp. and I'm glad I didnt lose you.

there's this void that I am trying to fill up, with laughter and joy. with comforting and being with others.

-deleted-

and I really dont want things to be this way.

May 5, 2009 @ 20:54

history's on repeat, and nothing I can do to stop it.

May 4, 2009 @ 23:44

break from geog.

facebook quiz. uncannily accurate.

You have a need for other people to like and admire you, and yet you tend to be critical of yourself. While you have some personality weaknesses you are generally able to compensate for them. You have considerable unused capacity that you have not turned to your advantage. Disciplined and self-controlled on the outside, you tend to be worrisome and insecure on the inside. At times you have serious doubts as to whether you have made the right decision or done the right thing. You prefer a certain amount of change and variety and become dissatisfied when hemmed in by restrictions and limitations. You also pride yourself as an independent thinker; and do not accept others' statements without satisfactory proof. But you have found it unwise to be too frank in revealing yourself to others. At times you are extroverted, affable, and sociable, while at other times you are introverted, wary, and reserved. Some of your aspirations tend to be rather unrealistic..

@ 23:02

May 3, 2009 @ 20:45

haha, before this slips my mind.

haha I hereby declare a truce with fighting with tiffany for the great title and have settled for the cool title.

the reason for this abrupt change is due to her helping me with maths online and almost wanting to kill me for the thousand and one careless mistakes that I make and go whining to her, cannot solve!

we both hate maths too. but then again I imagine half the cedarian population does.

so.

geraldine the cool and tiffany the great :)

@ 16:19

the date is drawing nearer, everyone's counting down.

and I wonder what we'll be like, as the moment comes. will we be as good as our seniors were, and better? will we?

haha, and I have naggy tutors. first physics nagged at me to sleep last night at 2am, then maths nagged at me to stop sidetracking and do maths this morning. :)

amusing!

@ 00:40

May 1, 2009 @ 20:11

today was fun :)

haha, was up pretty bright and early for a school holiday due to some harebrained scheme by bear, who was in the end late, tsk! played at the playground where archana was delighted to see me being utterly unglam since she never catches me unglam. but then again, little people can beat her unglam-ness. she is going to be the most unglamorous guides senior ever.

the afternoon was great, playground, my house, archana's house. :) the weirdest concotion of instant noodles that tastes great, taking pictures, being totally random, watching nonsensical videos, playing hotel 626 on my comp, swinging on the swing, see saws that flies.

"if I ever get lost in Kallang I know who to call" charmaine chill dont panic man heh! though this sentence is meant to cause you to hyperventilate :)

I enjoyed this afternoon very much. and bear, take care of lemon! :)

and I thought back to countless afternoons with this much joy, with a different group of people. and my heart ached, despite the laughter that lightened the atmosphere. and I wonder if I've truly let everything go.

@ 00:46

I have an array of nicknames.

sec3 eldds people: ger, gerald.
zhihui: penguin
archana: owl, cartoon
2H clique: dajie, dugong
deborah: teletubby
gang: dumbass.
zee: rodent
my mom: gerald. better still: GIRL AH!

amusing. :)

@ 00:20

afternoon was passed with a few scratches and bruises. literal from the abuse at the hands of violent guides and non-literal by...nvm. leaving school at 0720 was mad, no more the next time :)

the evenings I liked. haha, :)

thank god for leaders, living examples around me. for friends, retarded enough to lie down on the grandstand together staring at the sky. for mugging dates that didnt work, for amusing online conversations.

see bear, there are many things to be happy about :)