June 30, 2009 @ 18:16

today me and mirna went to study while the bio students had their bio people. so it was pp macs, and then that girl had to remember suddenly that someone passed her two files of history/ss notes which was..? at home. so we zipped on a bus.

I could kill her, she had so much information at her disposal, and she didnt know it. grr, and SS is over already!

we then proceeded to spend our entire afternoon productively studying the various ways of being tired and moaning about being in absolutely no mood to study. I took a very nice nap where I really slept until archana came to join us and annouce that she had 113 pages of TKAMB to read and me and mirna started talking about hitler's rise to power.

we then wasted like 4hours or so laughing and playing instead of studying. all on the pretext of someone telling us to start slacking. :) that sentence is totally taken out of context, mind you.

haha, ohwellz I enjoyed myself, but I suspect I will curse later because I cant finish studying or something along that line. ooops. heck it is the last paper.

amaths was surprisingly better than emaths! :) the hours of maths tuition paid off!

sleepy still, but with a smile and a contented and light mood. :)

June 29, 2009 @ 22:30

it's one paper down after another. two more papers and farewell to pesky midyears. I guess this exam isnt going to be one of my bests, but I wont let history repeat for EYEs.

to the many people who have been supporting me while I whine, and moan and complain and whine somemore while going around asking how this how that what is this who is that, thankyou :)

the smses made me very happy despite it being the first day of school and two papers and nursing a headache.

el outing soon! :) and to the people I owe letters, heh soon soon k!

out with MYEs, in with COALs prep, piano practical prep and el preps. mhm.

people pull through! :)

June 26, 2009 @ 22:48

I was mentally revising geog while standing under cold water and washing my face. when I had a mind block and switched to something else instead.

today,
1. I did a whooping 9 hours of maths. just, maths. nothing else.
2. me, tanya, sharianty are going to go crazy from maths. totally whacked.
3. church rehersal today was good. well done, cast :) really great!
4. I should move to bishan and stop travelling back and forth from home to tuition.
5. I love home cooked food, I love my mom. :)

for the next few hours,
1. I am going to mug maths as much as possible and post it all the questions I have no idea how to do and ask auntie jovine tomorrow.
2. I am going to drown myself in all forms of caffine.
3. I am going to stop thinking negative thoughts and focus on maths.
4. I am not going to talk to mean people. debo read this!
5. I am going to sleep at 2, wake up at 5 and continue maths.

until exams end,
1. I am going to stop whining.
2. I am going to stop being stressed and just face it.
3. I am going to give it my best, and heck everything else.

till end of years,
1. I am going to work damn damn damn damn hard.
2. I am going to seriously stop slacking.
3. I will get my 10 for L1R5.

I am done streamlining my thoughts. work.

June 25, 2009 @ 21:40

all I want to do now is to lay on my bed, curl up into my many pillows and blanket and let sleep come.

I hope things are going well now. I respect your privacy, I promised, remember? but it is taking a major effort to not hang around and listen to the conversation. take care of yourself..

@ 18:08

it's like dragging a weight. I am so tired.

dont go starry eyed. because the only times stars love our humanly presence is when you get hit over the head.

June 24, 2009 @ 21:00

this listlessness needs to stop, and soon.

ah. gah. gah gah.

I wish I had a way to turn my brain into a sponge and soak up all the information. what is the use of having painstakingly organized notes, thought of points for essay, if nothing is going to go into my head?

2 chapters of geog notes to memorize, SS to memorize, history to memorize, maths to practise.

and less than 5days to go before I walk into the exam hall yet again.

oh man.

and if this were all that was bothering me, maybe I wont be feeling so bad. but it isnt all, and that is the part that is killing me.

love, stop doing that to yourself, please. please, stop. please. I am begging you to stop doing that. dont make me worry like this, please. go to a doctor before it is too late, I'll drag you there myself if I could. why, stop it, please. dont sink in anymore than you already have, it isnt too late. it really really isnt. please stop. you turn away from any comfort that I could give, you turn away from any help I could get for you. why? to make me suffer, or to see me worry? you know I care, I always have. you need me to say it, I will. but please stop killing yourself like this. because that is what it is doing to you. taking your life slowly. I see your eyes and I really want to hug you and sob. I've gone three nights without sleep. you want to see me fall infront of you, I will show you. stop please, stop..for me, if not for yourself.

June 23, 2009 @ 23:01

I dont know where to begin.

but alex, haha, I predict a good many fun moments and nonsense conversations with you before the end of coals :) our very very dreamy conversation made me a very amused person :)

and carbonmonoxide, you ugly looking gas. mhm. just jiayou, k? you'll make it through this crazy stress. and I'll whack you silly if you faint tomorrow from exhaustion, trust me. something's bothering you, but I'll wait till your prelims end before I grill you. haha, thanks for the sms offer, even though I know you are about to go mad from studying. I'll tell you what is bothering me after your prelims, if it is still an issue then.

debo why didnt you come online today, I had many things to tell you. ;(

charmaine archana, haha, study date was fun today. haha, all our post-it-ings. I shall write proper letters soon :) and that will translate to one month later. pastamania, studying, and yummiyoghurt :) who knew sitting on the floor eating organic looking food could be so nice?

tp, haha, we jiayou together. tp pact, yeah? and yes stalin is some dumb stupid guy, but I think we are worst, huh? it's ok there is still time, we can do it. mug mug mug :)

@ 21:03

furstrated.

June 22, 2009 @ 23:09

it's easy to feel alone.

hey love. I'm here, if you need me. because I've been through the exact same situation. and because I know how it feels.

dont push me away. because I wont leave until I make sure that you are, Ok.

@ 19:27

I've mugged for the entire day at home.

and I've barely finished stalin's stupidity, yet to move on to hitler's nonsense.

and I am attempting to finish my tuition maths hw on coordinate geometry, with my mind very very blank.

and for all that I've done with geog, I've not yet crunched down all the information and essay preps.


and school reopens in another week.

S-c-r-e-w-e-d.

June 21, 2009 @ 21:43

I hate hate hate hate hate losing control. of anything. a situation, myself, my temper, my tears. anything. anything at all.

and it's really hard, constantly having to find my bearings around you. I'm no genius at balancing. but I've so far kept all the balls up there when I do juggling. if I drop something, I choose to drop it.

yes, you asked me if school was such a great deal. and yes it is. because even if I dont want to admit it, I dont have a passion for what I do outside it much anymore.

you ask me if Instructor, was such a great deal to me, that I would be willing to step down for it. yes, yes I would. I really would. I am not trying to play hard to get, so that you guys will ask me to stay.

and it's even harder to swallow, on a personal level, that you dont care at all, about me. yet expect me to empty my time for you, when you need a ear. you know, I care about people I care about. and I can bring it as far as to canceling stuff to be there if you need me. but not for someone who mistakes OAI for OSI. and still ask me what do I do as an instructor. who still doesnt know what my cca is. for asking what THB means when I tell you my motion. are those concerns about what I do for show?

it twists my gut. and yet, I still care.

I dont take friendship, especially those I care about, lightly.
and that stings. that question, it really took me by shock.

June 19, 2009 @ 22:29

I think I've grown up alot since the start of this year. in the way I think, in the way I see things. debate always terms our age formative years. is this what this is? forming my own identity as a person?

I've learnt how to accept myself for who I am, and not change to suit the people around me. I've taken huge steps forward, what I dared not do, never attempted to do.

people around me have redefined friendship as I knew it.
this year, alot of things happened. and alot of things, will happen still.

but I dont want to lose the side of me who laughs easily, plays wildly. I dont want to have to weigh every movement, have to feel all these, feelings that I cant begin to put into words. because this, I think, is growing up. and with that comes change. change in environment. change in people..


shall continue mugging history.

@ 00:45

because around us, there are many friends, and many different type of friends.

some friends you play with, joke with, have alot of fun with. but they may not be the ones who will ask you if you are ok, may even be the ones who only come to you for fun and laughter, and walk away when you need a shoulder or a ear.

some friends. all you know is their face and names. and maybe class, cca? you say hi, you know each other as fellow cedarians. but that's all.

some friends, they are those you seem close to. but they may not last. you think you are close, but one day when you look back and ask yourself, what do I know about her? you may never be able to answer. because the surface is all you know.

then you have the ever present senior junior relationship. and ever since I entered the OAL board, the more whisphers in the wind about leader instructor ones. these wont last either. when the senior leaves, things may or may not remain the same. for ou-ers better still, it doesnt last. because these bonds are fragile. because these bonds are forged on the basis of something, and when that something doesnt exist, the bonds dont either.

but then,

there are those, friends who really matter, to you, to your heart. people whom you know will always be there for you, who when they ask: are you ok, geuniely mean it, and truly mean for you to be ok. if you arent, they are the people who will stand by your side, and pull, drag, scold, nag, mother your way through. they are the ones who even when everything is silent, doesnt have a hint of awkwardness. and you are able to read more than what other do. in tone, in the expression, even in movement. when you care, about what the other person feels, and thinks. those are true friends.

and what kind of friend, are you?

June 18, 2009 @ 01:55

very well then, if this is what you think it should be.

I should just mug and mug and mug and be some totally muggerish nerd that only knows life as in books. so mug mug mug, like a machine, mechanic robot.

funny how those who whine about problems are the root of them themselves.

or are we just drawn into a whirlpool of problems?

it just seems that way to me, really.

June 17, 2009 @ 23:33

a part of me hates tears, dealing with emotions that are too raw to be comforted. a part of me hates having to deal with irritation and emotions, even those that are my own.

and I guessed that part slipped out because I was too tired, and because I was too helpless. I know I looked calm, sounded calm. but it was easier to distance myself rather than think of what you were going through.

bear, sorry I snapped at you. I cant say I didnt mean it. but yeah, I'm really sorry.


today el just "lepaked around" - quoting michelle. and dont we always. that's like the best thing our level does together. besides watching chickflicks that is. and having pointlessly dumb discussions that become pretty interesting :)

and I am in no mood to blog. nor in a mood for pretty much anything else. but this spate of disinterest has to stop soon, ah.

June 16, 2009 @ 23:29

uhhuh and I am supposed to play the meek trusting obedient lamb that is going to be led by the nose to the slaughter house with your lies and excuses? uh-huh, no way. I am not estein, but I can and do figure it out when I am being lied to.

today was studying at ECP, since I needed to claim back my ezlink. ohman $25.

but I did do a fair bit of work, and got dragged to the worst thing on earth. debo was happy, she got clothes. gosh.

and I am really really sleepy!

@ 00:23

ah I want it back. I know you are going to tell me it doesnt matter, but it really does. ah, ah, ah.

bearpenguin day didnt really work didnt it? but well, it was fun while it lasted, and we both cycled quite abit, up and down the shoreline looking for the greybag.

I hope you are ok now, but there's no way to check. I really hope you are ok.

quite an adventure. lying down on the breakwater, missing bag, searching, bicycle shop, broke, debo's house for money, home.

we'll have another day to sentosa with the other fbs k?

June 14, 2009 @ 21:10

I had a very interesting afternoon, hmm. haha

but certain things ruined my cheery mood. not worth a mention. but still.

mhm.

calm.

June 13, 2009 @ 14:38

how many times can I break till I shatter?
Give me a break, let me make my own pattern.

the thing about lj posts, that most of the most emo ones are locked, exclusively friends.

but isnt this the way life works? lock up the most vulnerable part, the part that feels about yourself, that part marked, exclusively friends.

All that I feel is the realness I'm faking

spurt of understanding, of what you guys were saying.

June 12, 2009 @ 21:06

I can safely say that I have explored every corner of the old school compound by now. and dont tell me you know more than me. because we, that is, me debo arch zh charmaine, did an hour long trek through the wildly forested area behind the school building alongside. and we covered the length of the entire compound. Yes, what used to be behind the green fences. we walked there.

there were pesky mosquitoes, long long long long grass that can hide zh if she bothers to, dirty oily canals, wires strewn, weird patches of grass that is alternatively long and short, dead branches brushing us.

thank god we didnt meet any snakes or rats, but we did meet a panicky bat :)

best? none of us were in trackpants, I was wearing ladies' slippers and debo pumps. the guides were better equipped in school skirt and school shoes, but it only protects..this much.

but it was really really really really fun. and we scatterbrainedly suggested that it could be used for guides nightwalk. but that was for the first 10mins, where the only obstacles were long grass and loose stones. 10mins later, we discovered many many many stuff, that would prove fatal if stepped on or held on too. and dangerous parts where even in the sunlight, could be well, dangerous if the wrong step or caution not exercised.

thus, guides are safe from a dangerous nightwalk. we made the recee, and decided, FUN, but Not safe. at all. :)

@ 20:08

barely 48 hours ago I was reminded of the reason why I wanted to be an instructor after the end of coals, 2008.

today, marks the start of prep for coals, 2009. definitely different from ours, in a simple way. just in the change of identity from camper to instructor.

during OAC 2008 we had our leaders to guide us every step of the way, instructing us on how and what to do. any problems, we run to our leaders for help.

but it wont be the same this time.

the circle begins again. I havent come full circle, but I truly intend to.

June 11, 2009 @ 13:27

me and debo were talking about echo08's instructors,

and I was shocked at how much, even to this day that they have impacted me.
they didnt do anything really big. no big talks, no big words. just simple dedication in the case of one, concern when concern was needed in another's case. how they managed to subtly push us. how they made echo just echo.

I still remember times at the student lounge, stage area. the, greet, dont greet or ignore?! the times we just sat around and chatted. how echo went through the rollercoaster of emotions, joyful and happy, gay and high, discouraged, annoyed, angry, pissed.

but we've emerged, stronger? and even, maybe I hope, better leaders.

a timely reminder why I wanted to be an instructor despite not wanting it right at the start, and now that I am one, how to live this legacy on.

June 10, 2009 @ 22:13

I shall post properly and not in (quoted) "weird disorientated disorganized sentences that oddly makes sense. reflects you perfectly, uh?"

so, life's been alot of fun.

fullstop! :)

@ 21:05

the result of intenstive mugging for geog over two days is: you get most of it done, and into your head without having to memorize.

on the flip side: show me one more sentence on some weird organization, I will s-c-r-e-a-m.

@ 13:32

for someone who hated inactivity and sitting back while others slogged their guts out for something ;

I've seem to love inactivity. peace and quiet in the house, coz it's empty.

idylic life. and inconsistent studying.
though that should come to an end soon as I begin frantic mugging.

@ 00:35

why?

one word, a thousand questions.

even I know the answers you will give me, so much as to knowing what I myself will react to those statements and how I will in the end convince myself to shrug it off. because acknowledging might cause more harm, might hurt more.

how can I know this and continue down the same path. I just took a detour, that's all.

I know you are reading this, know you know what I mean.

I am no lit student. I dont build castles in the air, simply because I am not able to. flowery phrases are not my forte. using words to my advantage is, but it only helps to express.

I am a history student. more grounded in facts. and I read in your tone that we are walking down the same path, over again.


but still that question hangs between us. Why.

and your promise still plays in my head.

June 9, 2009 @ 23:42

I told you once before. that I wouldnt do something that would hurt me again.

once bitten twice shy.

@ 22:23

rockclimbing @ VJ today was satisfying.
towards the end I made it towards the top! I was so happy :)

then we got our nice white bottles, @ $2! haha I am a happy person today.

my legs are crying out in pain though! sheesh! ): and there is tution tomorrow ); no sleeping in, depressing thought?

June 7, 2009 @ 19:53

I'm really quite sick of how things work. gah.

@ 19:35

thinking.

@ 16:22

phone conversation. did it erupt into an argument? I think it did.

your side, mine side. "my" and "yours"

furstration but this isnt a first time issue. long present, and will be long present.

long problems dont disappear like, -snaps- that.

above all, I hope that we didnt change from friends, to odd aquaintances.

@ 14:10

you know, I dont have to love that person to be nice and/or at the very least decent to another person? there is more than two options, it isnt a love-hate thing.

I mean, hey. it's ok if you really want to hate me to the ends of earth, because I really dont bother much? and it only bothers me slightly that you try to spread it to the seniors, because frankly, with a few exceptions, seniors are going to go off in less than 3months time, so it doesnt affect me much? so what if you hate me? yes I am a really arrogant person. and what do you want to do about it? spreading a few rumors that wont touch me isnt going to stamp it out of me. save it for someone who cares about your opinion.

but please. stop dragging another person's name in. especially if you know that I know what she knows too, that even if we hate each other so much, there is nothing we can do about it?

same board, same class, near seating proximity. we, at least, maintain civility.

this is the third time I am hearing this. and I am hoping this is the last. because well, you are a senior, so maintain a semblance or at least a pretence of being one.

puhlezeeee.

and oh. doesnt it say something to you when this does get back to me? :)

@ 14:07

of all times to fall ill ):

one day before class outing @ pulau ubin
two days before level 1 sport climbing certification


gahs.

June 6, 2009 @ 23:55

sport climbing at VJ.

my arms are aching so much even typing is a chore. I have really nice rope burns, two at that adding on to blisters at weird parts of my hand. I flew off the ledge while belaying, got up and got told off for improper stance. I couldnt hold on to the rockwall while climbing, didnt say falling and crashed into someone coming down and got told off again.

and I couldnt climb anywhere past the red tape for extreme left lane despite trying at least 20 times and falling a 100.

I feel like a failure.

and my arms are still aching.

sighs.

June 5, 2009 @ 23:48

today was one hell of a day. but it was fun, and I enjoyed myself, though I am close to dying, any moment.

debo is the world's biggest dummy.
1. she doesnt know if there is good food in her neighbourhood
2. she got lost walking to a shop and made me walk with her, when she went there often as a kid.
3. she made many detours that led to a weird ending, meaning, no path, overgrown grass and a drain.
4. she was unsure of the way home - mind you she was less than two streets away from her house.
5. she wasnt aware of shops around her house.

god. haha, and her room is messy! and she is such a pig. :) but we had fun, and managed to get some studying done. not too bad :)

debate was good, and charmaine thank you for your letter :) zh reply me soon mansz. archana yours should come soon, but I still owe many people letters coz I am lazy :) oops!

SF day, should be great this year. the cast is fantastic, haha all the naturals oh?

rock climbing tomorrow. uh-huh. I get to see ugly mirna who is alive after OBS and dinner afterwards with baby and teletubby? catch crab, we see how k, I might not even be able to walk.

and you: -deleted- dont leave.

@ 15:32

because when you see the people around you change so drastically, see friendships form, see friendships drift.

a bag of past letters, memories in the past, of the past.

I suddenly miss isabel, enrica, deepa, onion. alot alot alot. I miss our days together in the canteen, feeling safe and secure all the time, because there will be always people to lean on, always people to be there.

I still have people like that now, but it's after so many things happened. after going through so much.

when people change, what happens next?

I hope I never have to answer this question again.

June 4, 2009 @ 21:19

because I choose to look on the other side,
because I know that you are hiding. from what, only you can answer.

many have told me, that it's dumb to be optimistic, to just trust, to wish for a perfect ending, to know that there are people who will spot you as you fall, second chances, a re-try.

but I meant what I told you, that I truly believe that I have a belay system who wont let me go.

only that's friendship, and nothing less is.

@ 20:56

June 1, 2009 @ 22:34

I found it utterly amusing when I read your blog.

look Who is talking. entirely, hilarious.

like, com'on. you are next to nothing to her. you're a walking comedy, and you're not a comedian. you're the one people play and laugh at behind your back.

" are you close to _____, she say until you two very close"
"uh, no?"

and you go, I love ______ to bits/pieces

Hilarious. Hilarity.

you are desperate for the general male species and juniors. shamless, indeed.

I seriously hope you get that this post is for you. if you ask me who i am talking about later, I may flip off the chair laughing. or maybe if you get that I AM talking about you, then I know you arent as iron headed as you are thick skinned. small comfort though?

disgusted.

@ 21:22

shopping. is. not. my. cup. of. tea.

and today just reaffirmed that.

but the company was good, amusing :) spent the entire day with them, and surprisingly I didnt feel like a sore thumb. hmm. :)