June 21, 2009 @ 21:43

I hate hate hate hate hate losing control. of anything. a situation, myself, my temper, my tears. anything. anything at all.

and it's really hard, constantly having to find my bearings around you. I'm no genius at balancing. but I've so far kept all the balls up there when I do juggling. if I drop something, I choose to drop it.

yes, you asked me if school was such a great deal. and yes it is. because even if I dont want to admit it, I dont have a passion for what I do outside it much anymore.

you ask me if Instructor, was such a great deal to me, that I would be willing to step down for it. yes, yes I would. I really would. I am not trying to play hard to get, so that you guys will ask me to stay.

and it's even harder to swallow, on a personal level, that you dont care at all, about me. yet expect me to empty my time for you, when you need a ear. you know, I care about people I care about. and I can bring it as far as to canceling stuff to be there if you need me. but not for someone who mistakes OAI for OSI. and still ask me what do I do as an instructor. who still doesnt know what my cca is. for asking what THB means when I tell you my motion. are those concerns about what I do for show?

it twists my gut. and yet, I still care.

I dont take friendship, especially those I care about, lightly.
and that stings. that question, it really took me by shock.